The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
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I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
🙀🙀🙀😹
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.