customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
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Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Good news
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy