Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
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Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
🔦🌙👣
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet