*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
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My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
cats when you pet them too long:
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Bringing home a sharpie
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.