[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
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Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little