stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
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“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.