if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
You Might Also Like
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Girl, same.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.