the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
You Might Also Like
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this