The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
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She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.