Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
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dutch so unserious
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Finally!
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Oh my god
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.