ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 馃檪
ramses: oh you son of a-
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My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Honestly people shouldn鈥檛 even be allowed to talk until they鈥檙e like 35 years old.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn鈥檛 let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What鈥檚 the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles