Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
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my mom making me talk to relatives
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*