ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
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I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.