Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
You Might Also Like
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.