TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
You Might Also Like
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
I did not eat the cake…
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden