[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
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[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances