John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
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If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
🛁
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.