Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
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M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake