Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
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People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*