I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
You Might Also Like
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Accurate
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries