*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
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I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.