Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
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Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
live, laugh, laundry.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Just say no
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!