Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
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I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.