Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
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I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
My time has come.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Cannot stop laughing at this
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat