What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
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When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
My support group can outdrink your support group.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most