At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
You Might Also Like
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
How to make infinite energy.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
They’re really bad with fonts.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”