Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
You Might Also Like
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?