me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
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so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
😬
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner