If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
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They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
favorite tropes as memes
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
oh u like geography? name every lake
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.