The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
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worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
somewhere, in an alternate universe
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.