I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
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Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.