my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
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That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Great Canadian literature.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Bros before Ohioes
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.