Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
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Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*