A tragic love story in two pictures.
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boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Brilliant!
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??