My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
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Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
when mom throws a party…
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi