[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
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[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
my dog when i have a friend over
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.