wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
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Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug