[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
You Might Also Like
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*