My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
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the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
me working on my assignments ^-^
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.