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I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..