My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
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Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.