I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
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interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter