Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.