I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
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Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.