WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
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Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.