I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
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I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.