I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
You Might Also Like
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Terribly Tuesday.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators