I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
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Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.