“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
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“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
i hate you platonically
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
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Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.