BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
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People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
The French cow says MEUX…
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Twitter remains undefeated
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.